


and you're hard on yourself

by adoremark



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Skin picking, tae just needs a hug, this whole fic was an emotional outlet for me, we all need a johnny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 09:30:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19315411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoremark/pseuds/adoremark
Summary: Whenever Taeyong starts to lose himself, Johnny always bring him back.





	and you're hard on yourself

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this on impulse when i was in a really bad place... but it did make me feel better. this fic describes skin picking or dermatillomania, so if you're uncomfortable with this topic, now would be a good time to x out.

Taeyong stared at his laptop screen, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. Despite all his efforts to muster just a sentence out of his barren mind, this essay was going absolutely nowhere. Taeyong let his head fall back against the wall and sighed. He felt the bed dip under him so he lifted his head up to meet Johnny’s gaze. Taeyong knew that look. There was worry for him, but also a disapproval of Taeyong’s workaholic tendencies. Taeyong felt a prick of annoyance, though he knew it was irrational. He wasn’t even pushing himself right now and he didn’t need to hear Johnny telling him to take it easy.

“How’s the essay going?” Johnny asked, shifting closer.

“Fine,” Taeyong said sharply. He pulled his legs up and balanced the laptop on his knees, not wanting Johnny to see his face. Johnny frowned, but didn’t say anything. Taeyong had always been easy to read and he himself knew that, so he was usually honest with Johnny about what he was feeling. Johnny didn’t know why Taeyong was closing himself off, but he decided not to press further.

“Maybe you should take a short break to refresh your mind. How about I fix you a cup of tea?” he suggested.

Taeyong bit his lip. Now he felt bad about snapping at Johnny. He appreciated Johnny’s concern but he was still ticked off and he knew Johnny could tell from the way he was walking on eggshells around Taeyong. He didn’t know what he disliked more; the fact that Johnny was coddling him or that he was doing so because of Taeyong in the first place. Taeyong needed to take a moment away from Johnny to sort himself out without imposing on Johnny. He moved his laptop off his knees.

“That sounds good, Johnny,” he said with a tight smile. “I’m just gonna head to the bathroom real quick, okay?”

Johnny stared at him before nodding. “I’ll brew the peppermint tea you like,” he added, before heading to the kitchen.

Taeyong entered the bathroom and took a breath before looking into the mirror. He made sure to keep a distance from it, so that he wouldn’t see all his blemishes up close. _Don’t overthink it,_ he reminded himself. He had a bad habit of picking his skin. The physical damage wasn’t much — it healed quick actually, but he struggled with it mentally. He was guilty of obsessing over his skin and was even more prone to it whenever he was upset or stressed. Johnny knew about it. Taeyong was embarrassed to tell him about it at first, but trusted that he wouldn’t dismiss it or judge him—and he didn’t. Unknowingly, he had moved closer, his hands resting on the sinktop. He scanned all the scabs that littered his forehead. They were healing, he noted, so he shouldn’t touch them to not interfere with the healing process. He leaned in to examine them better and noticed a small bump near his temple. He rubbed at it and the bump peeled off. _Oh, it was just some dead skin._ There were some more bumps dotting along his hairline, so he rubbed at them too. Some peeled off, but some stayed intact. He frowned and bent forward, his elbows on the faucets, and scratched. They were beginning to smooth out now, so he applied more force, his nails scraping against the bumps. He scrutinized the blackheads spanning his nose and the miniscule whiteheads on his chin. One after another, he squeezed and picked apart at them until they were gone. He just needed to get all the gunk and impurities out of his face, clear everything so his face would be smooth and–

“Taeyong? You in there?” Johnny knocked at the door.

Taeyong stilled and stepped away from the mirror, his eyes roaming over the raw, bloody mess he made of his face. He felt himself choke up—the back of his eyes burned and he wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. He felt slimy and ugly.

“Hey, you alright in there? I made your tea.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right out,” he said as steadily as possible.

There was a pause. He could hear Johnny shuffling outside the door before he said an “okay” and left. Taeyong squeezed his eyes shut. Fuck, he did it _again._ Why couldn’t he control himself? He hated it. He hated looking at himself. He was sick of it—sick and tired of feeling like this and going through this every time. He opened his eyes to see crescent marks imprinted in his skin and his face red and swollen. His chest hurt. It was like Taeyong’s body was being filled with lead.

“Baby? Are you good?” Johnny leaned against the door and he could hear Taeyong’s harsh breathing.

“I’m okay, I said I’m fine,” Taeyong choked out, barely audible. “Please just…”

“Let me in, Tae,” Johnny said softly.

“No!” Taeyong cried. Johnny couldn’t see him like this. He wasn’t afraid of being exposed in front of Johnny—he just didn’t want to see him disappointed.

“I miss you though?” Johnny chuckled. “Please, Tae. You can trust me,” he said more seriously.

Taeyong trudged over and unlocked the door, looking down. Johnny stepped close to him and cupped his cheeks.

Taeyong shook his head. “Johnny, I messed up again.”

Johnny could feel a lump build in the back of his throat. “Can you look at me, baby?” he said.

Taeyong slowly raised his head and Johnny felt like he was punched from how defeated he looked. “No you didn’t. You’re doing go–”

“I– I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know why, I just…” Taeyong’s voice wavered.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, _you’re_ okay,” Johnny hushed. “Everyday you’re getting better. You’ll get through this—I know you will. And I’ll be here for you too.”

They stared at each other before Taeyong sighed and rested his head against Johnny’s chest. “Thank you, Johnny,” he murmured.

Johnny wrapped his arms around Taeyong and kissed the top of his head. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, alright?”

“I know.”

They stayed like that for a couple minutes until Johnny interrupted. “The tea is getting cold, Tae.”

Taeyong laughed, his voice still gross from crying. He pulled himself apart from Johnny and looked up at the other. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier,” he said quietly. “I know you were just looking out for me.”

Johnny’s gaze softened. “Hey, no worries. I was never mad at you. I just wish you told me how you were feeling, you know?”

“I think I didn’t wanna admit to myself how on edge I was,” Taeyong confessed.

“Damn right.”

“Hey!”

“Tea’s waiting! You wanna do face masks later?” Johnny asked.

“Okay,” Taeyong smiled, “That sounds perfect.”

“No more honey and cinnamon masks though. That shit burned.”

“Whatever you want, Johnny.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! for anyone struggling with skin picking, please remember that you are beautiful and that everyday is a step forward. 
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/markbffs) <3


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